I have this charming habit of staring at my phone during breakfast. The only reason I’d be inclined to talk before noon is because something bad has happened to me in that 15 minute window from bed to breakfast and I’d like to file a complaint. When other people delight themselves in small talks and weather discussions, I’d be scrolling through my Google Now cards and read the news Google has suggested me. Maybe because I have been reading a lot about Brexit, Google has suggested a lot of news about New Zealand. They probably assume I’m a British national who is looking to migrate after their country’s giant farce. And god, they are right about me wanting to move there. New Zealand sounds like the best frickin’ country in the world.
Reason 1: Because this is the news worthy crime in New Zealand.
While media all over the world is in the frenzy to report news about terrorist attacks, child rapes, drug dealers, political corruption, the Kiwis are in shock over the most serious crime they have seen in decades:
“Since January there have been close to 40 large-scale thefts from avocado orchards in the north island of New Zealand, with as many as 350 fruit stolen at a time.”
And the criminals are vicious. They can be seen frolling the street wrapped in blankets with picnic baskets.
“The recent thefts have taken place in the middle of the night, with the crop either “raked” from the tree and collected in blankets or sheets on the ground, or hand-picked and driven away to pop-up road-side stalls, grocery stores or small-scale sushi, fruit and sandwich shops in Auckland.”
Reason 2: Because of this
Reason 3: Because they have a government-appointed wizard
His duties include “cast out evil spities”, “upset fanatics”, “cheer up the population” and “protect the government”.
Reason 4: Because their fast food restaurant owners are badass
So this guy in a mask came in a fast food restaurant and pulled out his gun, demanding money, but the owner was just like: “Nah get in line. I’m serving someone else.” The robber was shocked and not knowing what to do, ran away.
You’ve got to see the video.
Reason 5: Because those Kiwis got their priority straight
“New Zealander Tom Currie has become a full-time Pokémon hunter. Each morning he fills a flask with coffee, packs a rain jacket and cut lunch in his backpack and heads into the wilderness to hunt Pokémon – come rain, hail, or snow.
The 24-year-old Kiwi quit his job in Auckland last week to embark on a two month tour of New Zealand, with the aim of capturing all of the Pokémon released on smartphone game Pokémon Go last week.”
K, bye guys. See you down under.