[Day 19] Why are we such cowards?

Today, I had dinner with a really nice guy. Like two adults, we talked about our life goals. There were 6 things I was looking for–yes, I made a list, had it printed out and tucked away in my phone case. But when he asked, I told him only two. I wanted to be healthy and I wanted to make it as a writer and that was all. The other four, I couldn’t tell him. The truth is I hadn’t been able to tell anyone. There is something about admitting to what you want that makes you feel so vulnerable. Isn’t the more you want, the weaker you get? Would people make fun of me, the oh so needy and desperate?

When it was his turn, he told me there were also two things he was looking for. He wanted a successful career–don’t we all?–and, love. There was a tinge of embarrassment in the way he said it, and I froze there for two seconds.

“Oh wow, love,” I said, staring at my cutlery. The fork was thicker than normal, the spoon so big I wondered how silly I must have looked trying to fit that in mouth. “I thought only people in Sex and the City said that.”

“Don’t you?”

Do I? Let me check my list. It’s right there, number four. “I want to find a man with whom I share mutual love and respect.” I spent days making that list. I remember every word. I remember the frustration, the disappointment, the breaking of self-esteem with every wrong man I have met.

“I don’t believe in love,” I said. The words that came out sounded so wrong, but I couldn’t help it. If there was one thing Silicon Valley has taught me, it is that emotions are for the weak. You’ve got to act tough. You’ve got to act like you aren’t looking for anything that anyone can give you. The only way for you to rise above everyone is to pretend that you don’t need anyone. As soon as they know that you care, you start to lose. Ah, I hate that culture, but what I am to do? I’m just an outsider trying to fit in.

“Too bad,” he said.

Later that night, I went for a ride with two of my good friends, Miro and Cody. I told them the story. They both laughed.

“Who says that?” Miro said. “Looking for love, boohoo.”

“You are not going to see that guy again, are you?” Cody asked.

“Why not?”

“What do you mean why not?” Cody stared at me through the rear mirror. “You know why not.”

The truth is, I don’t. I don’t know why I shouldn’t see a guy again just because he has the courage to admitting to what he wants. I don’t know why I had to lie to him. I don’t know why Miro and Cody laughed at him. They are both looking for love, I know that for a fact from all the shitty things they do. Everyone is looking for love. Everyone wants to be loved. That’s why we risk a mini heart attack asking someone out. That’s why we drown our sorrow in alcohol when we get rejected. That’s why therapy sessions at Stanford are always overbooked. Why can’t we just admit that we have feelings already? Ah, I hate Silicon Valley. Freaking cut-and-dried people.



[Day 19] Why are we such cowards?

2 thoughts on “[Day 19] Why are we such cowards?

  1. i cant believe noone reply to this! I hate it that people just read, like, have someopinions in the head and move on.

    Anyway, since is it 2am for me, i will keep to 2 points:

    1) Brene Brown had a famous Ted talk about Vulnerability. If you are afraid to be vulnerable, too bad, you will be missing out on many joys and tears that life could bring you. Please watch it. I won’t spoil too much here.

    2) It is not being a coward. The question should be, why are you afraid of sharing? Why should he be shy talking about seeking for love? Yes, people teach us to hide. But why did we choose to absorb it? Why you choose to share that 2 out of 6? Why didnt you choose the other 4? My bottom line question is – what is there to be shy or ashame of?

    If i could, i want to be a nut case haha, stoming on leaves, dashing through the trees. Or like today, yelling at people who were eating their brunch as We drove pass to ask them whether the place is any good. Unfortunately it is not a job (sigh) and people are often scared of weirdos hahaha. But my partner, my friends, and probably most people I know now know that I am a bit crazy and weird. And my partner is ok with my craziness, so we are getting married, and i am very happy. and well, I guess that explains the freedom I feel now *grin*.

    Liked by 1 person

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