Mom, Dad, before you read this, I just want you to know that Tinder is a nice, award-winning, exclusive app that brings together people of mutual interests to work on something meaningful and change the world. Only straight A students get invited.

I started Tinder out of peer pressure. Some of my friends were on Tinder and on the weekends when we had nothing better to do, we would sit on the couch and they would let me swipe for them and we would have some good laugh–Tindering turned out to be a very social activity. It was all fun and games until they realized that their inboxes were inundated with messages from creepy middle-aged men. “Dude, get your own Tinder,” they told me. So I did.

I figured that because I was a girl, I wouldn’t have to try too hard. So I created a profile with 3 photos, chose an age that has been scientifically proven to appeal to men of all ages, and wrote a very informative description.

My friends were very supportive of my mature decision.

I set my age range to be maximum because I have always found men with thinning hair and potbelly sexy. I swiped right on everyone on principle. You never know what you’re missing out.

Within a week, I got 400 matches. Every.single.guy.is.a.match. I know, I’m perfect that way.

Out of these 400 matches, 181 people messaged me, which means I got around 25 messages a day. To the best of my ability, I responded to about 20% of them.

It’s interesting that even though I matched with a lot of elder men, most people who messaged me are in their 20s or early 30s. I guess elder men got so excited when they saw a 22-year-old girl interested in them that they got a heart attack. Either that or they thought I was a bot.

In all honesty, the “sugar daddy” description was my third. My first was also a one-liner: “Let’s do something fun.” Then I realized that people kept asking me what I would like to do for fun and I had no idea how to answer because I’m a CS major who spends most of her time in Gates basement–I hate sunshine and fun.

So I changed it to something more practical, something that we all know can make or break a relationship. I asked men to give me their best pickup lines.

And I hit a gold mine.

But I soon realized that Tinder wasn’t the freaking d.school–people aren’t here to be creative. The pickup lines are repetitive and I started feeling bad.

 

It was on Tinder that I found out my superpower. I could get away with saying almost any ridiculous thing just because people thought I was cute.

Not even this.

Or this.

Or this.

Actually, not everything. A couple of guys unmatched me after I told them that I was looking for a green card. It made me sad and happy at the same time. I’m happy that they came to their sense and unmatched me. I’m sad that well, WHAT IF THEY WERE THE ONE??!!!!

Even though I had a lot of fun on Tinder, after a week, I had to stop. First, Tinder made me feel awful about myself. No, I don’t feel bad about looking for casual sex. It’s a noble and respectable goal. I feel bad about judging people. Even though I swiped right on everyone, I realized I tended to respond more to guys whom I found attractive. I ignored the rest of them, even though they seemed to be really nice, sweet guys.

Second, it’s addictive. Receiving a message from a stranger is like hearing someone say: “Hey, I think you’re attractive.” It’s an ego boost. Even though I don’t respond to all of them, I read almost every single one. I spent at least a couple of hours a day on Tinder. I could have used that time to do something meaningful, like sleep.

Third, people can be really rude on Tinder. Every time I got a message along the line of “wanna fuck?”, the part of me that still believes in unicorns and rainbow bagels died a little.

But would I quit Tinder for good? I don’t know. To find the prince, we all have to kiss a lot of frogs. On Tinder, you probably have to kiss 10 times more frogs. But it’s good entertainment. And who knows, you might actually like kissing frogs.

PS. If you come here from Tinder, please accept my apologies. It’s unlikely that I will respond to any message on Tinder because I hate how shallow it makes me feel. If you’re interested, send me an email. You might want to check this out too: Boyfriend Application.