As I’m growing up and my life is expanding, there is a hole in my life that I’d like to have a guy fill up (no pun intended). It’s called “boyfriend”. To be honest, I’m kinda sick of wasting my time with wrong ones. To save time for all of us–you know, those Suits episodes are not gonna watch themselves–I’ve made a list of mandatory criteria that I’m looking for in a guy.
Here you go:
1. You must be born male physically and mentally. Fans of Justin Bieber, Jonas Brothers, One Direction, Super Junior and all Korean boybands are not counted.
2. You must be born between 1984 and 1994. This is a kid free zone – kids and those who have kids are not allowed.
3. You must be single and fully aware of the reason why you’re single.
4. All your parts must be working properly and have at least one year warranty. Further testing will be conducted if necessary.
5. You must not have man-boobs. Only one of us should have boobs, and it shouldn’t be you.
6. You must not be a drug addict. Weed is not a drug.
7. You must not have STD.
8. You must have a Facebook account. Like it or not we will be Facebook official.
9. You must not use Internet Explorer.
10. You must play at least one sport frequently. Chess, PS, Xbox and Wii are not counted. League of Legends, maybe.
11. You must not wear Crocs or even think about wearing Crocs. Jesus Christ that shit gives me cancer.
12. You must know how to cook because I don’t.
13. You must not be vegan because vegans are annoying.
14. You must know how to play poker or billiard, in case we need to make some quick money.
15. You must be a good kisser.
16. You must be financially independent from your family. Again, it’s a KID FREE ZONE.
17. You must have good sense of humor. If you read this post and get pissed, sorry you’re not qualified.
If you meet all those criteria above, please contact me immediately with a picture of yourself taken in the last 3 months. If you don’t, pick up your phone, call anybody who is willing to listen and blame your Mom/Dad/bus drivers/illegal immigrants/schools/society for your failures.
Thank you very much for your interest. Only successful candidates will receive a response.
All the best,